SeanPaulMurphyVille: Writer Tip #25: Log Lines

Friday, September 21, 2018

Writer Tip #25: Log Lines

After the script itself, the most important thing you will write is the log line. In some ways, the log line is more important because no one will ever read your script unless you create a compelling log line.

A log line must be brief, only a few sentences at most, yet still convey both the narrative thrust and the feel of your story. There aren't specific rules. Your approach should depend on the nature your tale. If it is a drama, you should be relatively straightforward. If it is a comedy, it should probably be funny. If it is an action film, and it's the late-80s or the 90s, it should be "Die Hard (on a boat) (in a plane) (in a haunted house) (during the Civil War) etc." Or, better yet, "Die Hard crossed with (Beverly Hills Cop) (Lethal Weapon) (Fried Green Tomatoes) etc."

I'm not kidding about the whole Die Hard thing. Apparently, for years, countless log lines in Hollywood compared the script to Die Hard. That sounds like a corny device, but you need to give your targeted agents, managers and producers a feel for what you are presenting. You're not going to win any points by claiming your script is totally original. Go to the multiplex. Does it look like originality is selling? Everyone wants something that has already worked. Never compare your script to an unsuccessful film!

I can't tell you how to write your log line, but I can show you some of mine.

If you read my previous writing tip, you'd know that The Long Drive served as my writing sample for years. My late agent Stu Robinson got me a lot of good reads with the script. So did I. Here's my log line. It's long but it got the job done.

The Long Drive examines the relationship between a former president, John Padden, desperate to escape his celebrity because he failed to live up to his self-imposed standards while in the White House, and a disillusioned and irreverent Secret Service agent, Dan Miller, struggling with issues of his own. Secret Service Agent Deborah Evans, who places more trust in professionalism than love, acts as their mediator during an impromptu road trip across the country. The Long Drive is a quirky character study about bonding and renewal with lightly-comic overtones. It has roles actors will want to play. I know you will enjoy it.

The next log line is simpler and more straightforward because the plot of Mr. Inside is easier to explain. I also used alternate versions of the log line where I compared the story to Fritz Lang's classic German film M. This log line got me a lot of reads, and, eventually, an option.

In Mr. Inside, the police and organized crime form an uneasy alliance after the daughter of a mob boss is murdered by a serial killer stalking the streets of New York City. Joey Provanti, a young, amiable, college-educated mafia fixer, works as the liaison between the two groups. But does he have the skill to balance the interests of both the police and his boss long enough to catch the killer?

Here's a log line for a horror script I wrote that used the one film crossed with another film trope:

Unburied is the story of a wrongly-murdered family that rises from the grave to take vengeance on the teenaged descendants of their murderers. The story begins in 1866 with the illicit romance between Tom Robinson, a former slave, and Mayella Ewell, the daughter of his former owners. When Mayella's father discovers the romance, Tom and his family are murdered. One hundred-and-forty-years later, Jean Ewell, a haunting look-alike of the doomed Mayella, returns to the estate for the funeral of her grandfather. Her presence unleashes the restless ghosts and leads to an orgy of revenge. Unburied is a cross between To Kill A Mockingbird and Night of the Living Dead. It has all the elements you'd expect in an R-rated teen-oriented horror film, but with a meaningful subtext.

That was certainly an unwieldy beast. Way too long. Here's how I shortened it:

Unburied is the story of a wrongly-murdered family that rises from the grave to take vengeance on the teenaged descendants of their murderers.

My writing partner Lee Bonner wrote the next log line for our script The 4 Sided Triangle. I think it still holds the record for most semi-colons in a log line. Don't try to beat it!

The 4 Sided Triangle is a sexy thriller embroiling Bobby, the naughty professor with an insatiable itch for his female students; Libby, the teachers latest pet; Dylan, the talented male dancer overlooked once too often; and Jimmy, the homicide detective who falls for Libby while investigating the brutal slaying of Bobby's former protege. The trouble is, that four is one too many in a romantic triangle.

Here's the log line for another one of our scripts:

Meet West Rhodes, a marine policeman patrolling the waterfront of fashionable Annapolis. He's a cop who gives warning tickets to girls so he can ask them out on dates and confiscates beer from teenagers so he can drink it. He has wit and intelligence but a total lack of ambition until one day he finds himself up to his neck in multiple homicide. The motive for the killings dates back twenty years and touches on West’s own past. It turns out to be a case that will change his life forever.

Next is a log line I originally made some unforced errors on. I originally called the hero an "aging mid-level capo" and called it an "adult love story." I got a lot more reads after I got rid of the words "aging" and "adult." One or two ill-used words can hurt you!

A mid-level capo in a Queens crime family, Kenneth Provanti, has lived without dreams or hopes since the death of his wife and son in an attack aimed at him two decades earlier. A chance meeting with Angie DeMarco, the newly-divorced manager of the local supermarket, changes everything. Their blossoming love finally gives him the courage to confront his past and pay the price fate demands for his long life of violence. Mr. Kenneth is a love story about second chances set against a dark world of violence and intrigue, where greed and a lust for power blur the line between friends and enemies.

Watch the evolution of the next two log lines. I originally sent my script Eradication out while the Iraq war was at its height. People weren't grooving to it. They didn't think America was in the mood for a story like this one:

After the death of his daughter in a crossfire on the streets of Baltimore, internet billionaire Simon Pike hires former Special Forces Captain Bill Rausch to destroy the city's drug gangs. Rausch and his crack team are initially optimistic that their dangerous and illegal mission will make the streets safer, but they slowly realize they are simply pawns in a dark and more sinister plot. Eradication is a relevant, fast-paced action thriller torn from today's headlines. It is a story of the American spirit, and how our impatience to do good sometimes leads us into dark places.

Years later, the Snowden story broke. It made the intelligence gathering technology I described in the script much more realistic. I rewrote the log line and changed the name of the script to take advantage of the headlines. I got a lot more reads this time around (but no option!)

After the death of his daughter in a crossfire on the mean streets of Baltimore, billionaire defense contractor Simon Pike hires former Special Forces Captain Bill Rausch to destroy the city's drug gangs. Pike's main tool in the battle is "The Grid" -- a complex intelligence interface that marries voice and visual recognition programs with data mining and cell phone GPS positioning. Rausch and his crack team use The Grid to make the streets safer, but they slowly realize they are simply pawns in a larger, more sinister plot. The Grid is a relevant, fast-paced action thriller torn from today's headlines.

I must admit my script Life-Like beat me. I honestly believe it was the best script I had written in twenty years. It had humor and heart. However, the story itself and the setting always seemed too grim. Here's a few of the log lines I tried out:

Life-Like is about a good-natured slacker who finds himself training in a futuristic mausoleum where holograms and artificial intelligence make its permanent guests seem almost alive. His life takes a unexpected turn when he comes to suspect that one of its inhabitants, the forlorn but beautiful Carlotta, was murdered by her husband. Life-Like is an engaging rite of passage romp loaded with laughs and heart.

The previous pitch didn't work. I have been pitching scripts for a long time and I wasn't getting anywhere near the number of reads I expected. The people who read it, liked it. I just wasn't getting enough eyes on it. I decided to add a little more story:

Much to the consternation of his career-minded girlfriend, Andy Watson has drifted from one lowly job to another since college only to find himself training in a futuristic mausoleum where a new embalming technique combined with artificial intelligence make its permanent guests seem incredibly life-like. Andy's life turns upside down when he comes to suspect that one of its inhabitants, the forlorn but beautiful Carlotta Elser, was murdered by her husband. Life-Like is an engaging rites of passage romp loaded with laughs and quirky heart.

Still didn't work. I tried again, this time even adding the word romcom:

A lovelorn slacker working the graveyard shift at a futuristic mausoleum finds himself in a world of trouble after the interactive facsimile of a beautiful inhabitant asks him to prove she was murdered. Life-Like is a cutting edge sci-fi romcom that explores the outer limits of both artificial intelligence and love filled with characters that actors will jump at the chance to play.

It still didn't work. People just don't equate mausoleums with humor and heart. So I took the script off the market. It is currently being pitched with the well-known writer and illustrator James Proimos as a graphic novel. If it gets published, I don't think I will have much of a problem selling the movie rights.

As I said earlier, I can't help you with your specific log line, but I hope my examples point you in the right direction.

Other Writing Tips:

Writer Tip #1: The First Act

Writer Tip #2: Write For Actors

Writer Tip #3: Don't Work For Free!

Writer Tip #4: Make The Changes

Writer Tip #5: Manage Your Expectations

Writer Tip #6: Hone Your Scripts

Writer Tip #7: How To Make Movies For A Living

Writer Tip #8: The Query Letter

Writer Tip #9: Nobody Wants To See Your Crappy Little Movie

Writer Tip #10: Make It Real

Writer Tip #11: Start Living Your Life Now!

Writer Tip #12: Who's In It?