SeanPaulMurphyVille: First Five: Judy

Saturday, April 20, 2024

First Five: Judy

I am awfully quick to give advice about screenwriting in this blog. And some people actually accept it. The funny thing is that none of those people have ever read any of my scripts! They might have seen one of my films, but, with a finished film, it is difficult to say who contributed what. Therefore, to help people decide whether my writing advice is any good, I am posting some pages for your pleasure and perusal.

Inspired by the three-page challenges on the Scriptnotes podcast by John August and Craig Mazin, I have decided to post the opening of some of my scripts in a series of blogs. However, rather than three pages, I am going with five pages because I feel that will provide a more accurate appraisal of my writing and the stories. I am not posting the scripts of any of my produced films. That would be complicated legally since those scripts now belong to their respective production companies. Nor am I posting any script currently under option for the same reason. These scripts are either new or part of my back catalog. Some are ready to be pitched. Others need a little polishing. But you can read the first five pages now.

If you've been following this series of blogs, you will know that I have written a number of scripts with my friend director Lee Bonner, who ultimately co-wrote and directed my first produced feature 21 Eyes. When I met Lee Bonner, he was a top commercial director and a budding director of episodic primetime dramas. He had also been an RCA recording artist with his band The Lafayettes. Their most famous song was Life's Too Short. Here it is:

The band was more popular abroad than it was in the United States. The Beatles used to cover Lee's song Nobody But You during their days in the clubs. (Paul sang it.) I remember reading an interview with Robert Plant where he mentioned another one of their recordings. I immediately called Lee and told him about it. Lee's response: "Who's Robert Plant?" SMH

Most of the scripts we worked on were mysteries since Lee was a huge fan of the genre. As a result, he usually came up with the initial idea. This time, however, I came up with the hook. Here it is: What if Mac McLane, the aging chief homicide detective of the Scranton police department, discovered that Judy, the unassuming unit secretary, had an innate ability to solve crimes and exploited her skills, without her knowledge, to earn one of the best clearance records in the country? Then, what would happen after she learned the truth? Would she be able to do consciously what she had been doing instinctively all along? Add a little jeopardy and romance and voila!

Lee loved the idea and we wrote it up. We were very happy with the script and I started pitching it. A producer, whose name sadly eludes me now, requested it. I sent it. He called me back a few days later. He said he liked it, but he thought it would be much better if Judy was aware of her skills but unable to exploit them herself because of her over protective father, who happened to be the chief of police. It was a great discussion. We talked about it for over an hour.

I mentioned the critique to Lee. He thought the idea was worth exploring and we rewrote the entire script from that perspective. Lee liked the result better. I think I did, too. However, there were aspects of both approaches that I liked.

I called the producer back and asked him if we wanted to reread the revised script. He said no. He wasn't interested. That just goes to show you: You only have one chance with a producer so you better get it right the first time.

I kept pitching. We got some good reads, but no options.

This is a script I would definitely love to revisit. However, it needs some serious updating. When we wrote the story, the most popular online hangout was MySpace, and a subplot relies on some specific aspects of that world. That's danger of being current! Other than that, Judy remains an amusing mystery filled with interesting characters -- or so we think...

Hopefully one day we'll get it made.

Here's a brief synopsis:

Judy has a secret.

A secretary for the Scranton Police Department, Judy clandestinely helped the retiring homicide detective Mac McLane amass an unprecedented 86% clearance rate without the knowledge of the chief of police, who happens to be her overprotective father. Judy would love to provide the same assistance to Mac's handsome replacement Ron Robertson. But Robertson isn't about to let the secretary help him solve his crimes, no matter how much he finds himself attracted to her. Soon, however, their bickering will have take a backseat when they are forced to join forces to catch a serial killer with his sights on Judy.

Here are the first five pages:

I hope you enjoyed those first five pages. Here's the trailer for the film Lee and I made together:

You can read about the making of the film here:

21 Eyes, A History, Part 1
21 Eyes, A History, Part 2
21 Eyes, A History, Part 3
21 Eyes, A History, Part 4
21 Eyes, About That Nude Scene....

Here's the pilot of a travel series Lee produced, directed and starred in called Iron John Cruising about traveling on the Chesapeake Bay. It played on Maryland Public Television:

Here's Lee on our podcast discussing the film That Thing You Do, about a one-hit wonder band -- a subject which he knew every well.

Yippee-Ki-Yay Mother Podcast · YKY_That Thing You Do

First Fives:

My novel Chapel Street is now available! You can buy the Kindle and paperback at Amazon and the Nook, paperback and hardcover at Barnes & Noble. Chapel Street is the tale of a young man battling a demonic entity that has driven members of his family to suicide for generations. It was inspired by an actual haunting.

Learn more about the book, click Here.

Listen to me read some chapters here:

Chapel Street - Prologue - My Mother

Chapel Street - Chapter 1 - RestingPlace.com

Chapel Street - Chapter 2 - Elisabetta

Chapel Street - Chapter 3 - The Upload

Chapel Street - Chapter 4 - The Kobayashi Maru

Read about the true haunting that inspired the novel here: